


The Moon Doesn't Chase Me

by FivePips



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jealous Sirius, Jealousy, M/M, Old boyfriends, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Pining, Roommates, Sirius is an emotional disaster, Therapy, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-07 18:19:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17965661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FivePips/pseuds/FivePips
Summary: Sirius is perfectly (not) fine in his friends with benefits relationship with Remus. Things were going just fine until Remus' ex came back into the picture.Looking up latelyThe moon doesn't chase me no moreBefore it was childlikeLost in the soft light, and so on--All My Friends by Dermot Kennedy





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter mentions past child abuse and self harm.

“Bored any longer?” Remus asked around a yawn. He ran a warm hand down Sirius’ back, landing on his arse. Even though Sirius was spent, his cock gave a hopeful twitch.

“No,” Sirius laughed, burying his face into Remus’ shoulder. It was easy to pretend like this. They could be dating and just spending some time together in bed before they were due to their mate’s house. They were happy and in love. They were everything Sirius wanted but was terrified to ask for. They were a couple. They were head over heels in love with one another and they were the next of their mates to get married.

“I need a shower. Have a nap, Pads. I’ll wake you up in time to have one yourself before we have to leave for the Potter’s estate.” Remus kissed him on top of the head slipping out from under Sirius.

Sirius closed his eyes as he listened to Remus gather his discarded clothes. All he wanted was to stay in bed with the other man. No, that was a lie, he wanted absolutely everything to do with Remus Lupin. It was all dangling right there for him to take, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not that Remus wanted him that way anyhow. The man was probably completely fine with things just being how they were.

Why was Sirius the way he was? Why couldn’t he just tell Remus that he fancied the pants off him? Oh, probably because of the emotional anguish he suffered as a child/teen that he never properly took care of. That and the fact he was terrified to ruin his friendship with Remus and everyone else in case things got all fucked up. That was a chance he was sure he couldn’t take. He couldn’t lose his found family when he inevitably fucked things up.

A year ago, when they started this friends with benefits arrangement, Sirius was sure he could handle it. Yes, he had been harboring feelings for Remus for ages, but he was sure that he was not going to suffer too much. Sirius thought he could get everything he wanted out of the deal and be happy. He was extremely wrong, of course, but he couldn’t stop himself from sleeping with Remus. It was just so good and right that he could not say no.

On the nightstand, his phone vibrated. He grabbed it to see a text from James.

JP: Don’t be late, best man.

SB: Like Moony would like that happen.

JP: You might shag and miss it.

Sirius groaned loudly. No one was supposed to know that they were having sex. It was just meant to be between Remus and Sirius. Sirius, who told James EVERYTHING, did not even tell him about this. That was until James randomly showed up one afternoon at their flat to find Remus and Sirius going at it on the living room floor. James reacted in pure joy, to Sirius and Remus’ surprise. Sirius had to tell him that it was only sex. James wasn’t happy about that because he wanted his best friends to live happily ever after. James hoped for the best though. Now, he was rooting for a relationship and always making comments about them hooking up. At least none of their other mates knew to Sirius’ knowledge.

SB: Fuck off.

JP: Fuck Moony.

SB: Already did.

JP: Good. Shower. Be here EARLY!!!

SB: Give BM to Wormy.

JP: Should give it to Moony.

SB: He’ll kill you too.  
Wormy’s too scared to.

JP: Love you Pads.  
Kisses.

Sirius huffed. He didn’t want to get out of bed. He wanted cocoon under his duvet for as long as possible. He wanted to stay where it still smelt like Remus. But, he did the right thing and pushed himself out of bed and went on with his day. Sirius had a rehearsal dinner to get to and best man duties to deal with. Feelings be damned.

***

  
“Did Jimmy tell you that Benjy is staying at the Potters this weekend?” Remus asked in a tone that Sirius couldn’t quite decipher. That was probably because his brain was reeling with the fact that the one person that Remus had ever truly loved was going to be staying with the Potters. It was bad enough that Benjy was going to be at the wedding.

“What?”

“Effie and Monty didn’t want him to worry about a place to stay.” Remus shrugged. Sirius hoped the other man didn’t notice that he was gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were turning white. “You know how they are. He came all the way from The States for this wedding, they didn’t want him to worry about accommodations too.”

“Did they ask you if you were all right with this?” Sirius asked as turned onto the long lane where the Potter’s estate was located at the end of.

“Of course they did,” Remus shrugged. “It’s not as if we ended things on bad terms, right?”

Benjy and Remus dated from the middle of fourth year to the end of seventh year. Everyone thought they were going to get married eventually, but they were all surprised when they broke up in the most amicable way (everyone did not include Sirius, he was too busy sitting on his feeling back then as well). Benjy had got into MIT and was off to be some brainy scientist. Remus was staying closer to home to work his way to become a brainy librarian. Really, they were a match made in heaven. Not that Sirius was happy about it.

“True, I’m just — it’s just strange.”

“James and Lily and everyone else, but you really, are still mates with him.” Remus shrugged. “I’m looking forward to seeing Ben.”

“Yeah, well, same. As long as you’re happy.” Sirius was glad they were parking so he didn’t have to continue this conversation.

That relief did not last very long because as they walked into the entryway, Effie, James, and Lily were all greeting Benjy. It appeared the man had just got in as well. At least Remus had the decency to warn him before they got in. Not that Remus owed him any warning. They were not dating, they were just friends who fucked every so often.

“Sirius! Remus! It’s been ages,” Benjy said, wrapping his arms around Remus. He was shorter than Moony but stronger. He was built like a rugby player, which Sirius knew Remus fancied. Benjy was blonde with these beautiful blue eyes. He looked like he could be a model if he wanted.

“Only a year since you were here last,” Remus let him go with a laugh.

Sirius felt the jealousy burning in his gut, watching the two men smile at one another. He had suffered for years in boarding school with these two. Sirius wasn’t sure how he was going to survive the weekend.

“It’s going to be far less between our meetings now! I’m moving back to London. I just accepted a job offer today,” He said before hugging Sirius.

Begrudgingly, Sirius hugged Benjy back. Really, he was a good bloke. Remus wouldn’t have liked him if he wasn’t. “Wow, that’s great Ben.” He hoped that it sounded far more enthusiastic than it felt.

“You’re back!” Remus was definitely excited. Was Benjy the one that got away? Sirius pondered that thought every so often when Remus would go on dates then come back looking down. He still talked about Benjy from time to time.

“I’m back!”

“Let’s stop chatting in the hall and get settled in. The rehearsal is going to start soon, you’ll have plenty of time later to catch up, I promise.” Effie said with a clap of her hands.

The group went off, and James followed Sirius to his room. Lily looked like she wanted to complain at that but decided against it. She probably thought they were scheming something. Sirius had already sworn up and down that he would not pull any pranks at any wedding event over the weekend, from rehearsal to the wedding to the reception to the morning after brunch. He was going to be a ‘good boy’ (Remus may have used those exact words when they were bargaining the agreement).

It wasn’t until James shut the door to Sirius’ room behind them that he spoke, “He’s coming back. Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?” Sirius tried to blow it off.

“Why wouldn’t you be okay? Right, so, we’re still pretending that you have no romantic feelings for Remus.” James jumped on the bed and stretched out as Sirius went to unpacking. “Sirius, if Ben is back, there is a very good chance that they’re going to start dating again.”

Sirius clenched his jaw at the thought, “If that’s what makes Moony happy.”

“You’re telling me, that if they started dating again then got engaged, you’d be as happy for them as you are for Lily and me? You’d be okay to stand up in front of everyone and support Moony as they get married like you’re doing for me?”

The idea of that made Sirius nauseous, “I would. If it makes Remus happy.”

“You make Remus happy.”

“Of course I do, I am his best mate.”

“You’re practically married,” James reminded him as Sirius hung his garment bag in the old wardrobe and unzipped it.

“We’re not married and never will be, James. I told you that we’re just fucking. It’s nothing more.”

James made a noise of disagreement in his throat when there was a knock on the door. A second later Peter came bouncing in looking excited. “There’s the man to be married!”

With that, James’ mind was temporarily taken off of Remus and Sirius. Sirius hoped that James would be too busy with wedding things from there on out that he wouldn’t have to hear about it all weekend.

***

“All right, then it’s Marlene and Sirius,” The coordinator said next to him in the middle of the aisle, which was lit with fairy light. They had made it through the whole thing, now they were practicing the leaving part.

Sirius offered Marls his elbow and they began to walk.

“You know, the best man and maid of honor are supposed to shag at some point, right?”

“Too bad I haven’t snogged a bird since… well, since you in third year.” Sirius laughed thinking about this ill-fated young romance that did not get very far. They both came to separate realizations that they were both gay.

They both made a disgusted face as they reached the halfway point of the aisle. “Don’t remind me.”

“Maybe Dorcas wouldn’t mind if I joined.”

“You’ve never shagged a girl before. I know that for a fact.”

“I’m looking to try new things,” He wasn’t.

“Only if you bring Moony, if I’m going to shag a bloke, it’s him. He seems like he’d take good care of me.” She said, glancing over her shoulder.

“What the hell are you two talking about?” Remus asked from behind them.

“I’m worried,” Dorcas confirmed. She was being escorted by Remus.

“We’re having a foursome.” Marlene announced as they reached the end of the aisle. Lily was looking at them with confusion.

“We? As in the four of us?” Dorcas questioned with a raised eyebrow and a waving hand.

“Yeah, we’re supposed to sleep together but neither of us are really into shagging the other sex.” Marlene explained as if it was happening and no big deal at the same time.

“I swear to god if you all have an orgy…” Lily trailed off, shaking her head.

“Orgy? What constitutes an orgy? I think foursome would be more appropriate.” Sirius said.

“Really, how many people is an orgy?” Marlene asked.

“What the bloody hell are you all on about?” Peter joined them with Mary on his arm.

“I’d say five people and above.” Remus shrugged. “Orgies Peter, keep up. We’re having one. The bride and groom are looking forward to their wedding night even more now.”

“We are not having an orgy!” James flailed and Effie laughed and Monty was perplexed. “Stop saying orgy.”

“Mate, you’re the one that keeps saying orgy now.” Peter pointed out.

“None of you are shagging,” Lily declared.

“Excuse you we’re all in relationships here. We can shag if we want.” Marlene defended herself.

“Um, no, we’re not all in relationships here,” Sirius shook his head.

“Really? You two have declared your love yet? You sure?” Marlene cocked her head to the side. She had been making comments like that for years.

Sirius felt himself blush, “You know we have not because we aren’t in love. What are we doing now, Effie?”

Effie was still laughing, her shoulders shaking in an effort to try to control it.

“Dinner,” Monty supplied. “Benjy and Hope will be joining us for that.”

Sirius gave another forced smiled and nodded. He wished they were still talking about orgies. That was much more up his alley at the moment. This weekend was going to be hell with Benjy around and every one of his mates was apparently dead set on making insinuations about him and Remus.


	2. Chapter 2

“This isn’t exactly an orgy,” Remus said, breath hot against Sirius’ ear. His long fingers were digging into Sirius’ hips.

“No, not interested in — oh fuck, Remus,” Sirius’ thoughts were lost when Remus gave a hard thrust of his hips and pulled at his hair at the same time.

Sirius held on to the edge of the dresser for dear life as Remus continued to fuck him hard. He wrapped his hand around himself when he could tell Remus was getting close. With Remus brushing against his prostate, and his hand working himself quickly, it didn’t take much to send Sirius over the edge. Remus followed right behind him.

A few minutes later, Sirius was curled up in bed and Remus was putting his clothes back on. Sirius wanted to ask him to stay but that would be impossible with everyone in the house. James was inevitably going to burst into the room early in the morning because he was full of giddy excitement. He really didn’t want to hear his shite about Remus staying the night in his bed.

“I’m surprised you’re not with Benjy.” Sirius hated himself for saying it but it was as if he couldn’t help himself. The words just tumbled out of his lips.

At dinner earlier, Sirius had drunk too much wine and tried his hardest not to glare at Remus and Benjy across from him being flirty. It was pure agony, as if someone was physically ripping his heart out of his chest. He needed to figure out how to get over his feelings for Remus.

“Why say that?” Remus laughed, sitting on the edge of the bed as he buttoned up his shirt.

Playing nonchalant was something Sirius was used to but as he got older, he wondered how good he was at lying. Right now he felt like he was complete shite but Remus wasn’t reacting in a way to say that Sirius dropped his mask, so he pressed on. “I don’t know, you were chatting him up all night.”

“I was not chatting him up nor was he chatting me up. I was catching up with him. We’re not in contact all the time. I was learning about his new job too. It’s only a few minutes walk from the library. I told him I would show him all the good lunch spots.”

_Goody. Lunch dates in cute little cafés across the city._

“Well, just how you were talking with him, thought you’d be spending the night in his bed.” Sirius said.

Remus frowned and gave a half shrug, “We’re different people now, you know? I’m not who I was when I was at Hogwarts.”

“I don’t know, I think you’re the same Moony.” Sirius pulled his duvet up to his chin. “You’re still sweet but a bastard when you’re around your close friends. You’re smart, so bloody smart and the mastermind of the best pranks. Everyone loves you but only a few of us know you. I—” Sirius stopped himself. The wine and the sex had loosened his tongue a little bit too much.

“You what?”

“I think anyone would be lucky to date you. I think Benjy thinks you’re still as brilliant as you were.” Sirius concluded.

“Right,” Remus cleared his throat then stood up. “Get some sleep, Pads. Big day tomorrow.”

Sirius nodded, watching Remus leave. He groaned then buried his face in his pillow to scream. He needed to figure out how to stop feeling this way before it completely wrecked him.

***

“This is your last chance to run. No turning back after this. Well, there is divorce.”

“Peter, stop.” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Isn’t this what we’re supposed to do? Give James a proper ribbing, warn him of the banal nature of marriage. The old ball and chain jokes.”

“How heteronormative,” Remus muttered, trying to tie his tie in the mirror. Seven years of boarding school and Remus still couldn’t get the hang. Granted, James was making them do some fancy ass knot. “Straight people.”

“I know,” Sirius huffed and went to stand in front of Remus, “Moony’s right, Wormtail.” He took the ends of the black tie from Remus’ hands. “Lily and James are in love and happy. They have been since seventh year. It’s bullshite to think James would want to run.”

“Yeah, ah huh,” James practically squeaked.

Sirius nearly choked Remus with his tie as he jerked around to look at his best mate. James was looking rather peaky as he stood there wringing his hands. “You’re fucking kidding. You’re taking the piss. Potter, you’re not—”

“It’s not Lily, god, no! I love her to pieces and I’ve wanted to marry her for the last eight years! At least! It’s just the fact I have to go and do this in front of so many people.”

Sirius let out a sigh, “Okay, that doesn’t make me want to murder you but I don’t understand it.”

“Thank god, I think you were going to strangle me. No breath play right now, Padfoot.” Remus said the last part softly. “James, you love attention. You’re a bit of a slag for it.”

“I know, but this is, it’s weird, right?”

“You were more excited to plan this than Lily,” Sirius reminded his friend as he finished fixing Remus’ tie. James had wanted to marry since leaving Hogwarts, Lily was the one always to put it off. They were not established in their careers, Lily a GP and James working at his dad’s toy company. They had bought a nice home, and Lily was ready.

“James, it’s going to be fine. Everyone will be looking at her anyway. She far more beautiful than you,” Remus said as Sirius smoothed a hand down the tie and Remus’ chest.

“Her or Sirius,” Peter snickered.

“That’s right, I’m damn beautiful.” Sirius moved away from Remus and went to put an arm around James. “Look, mate, you’re going to be fine. All you need to worry about is Lily Evans soon to be Evans-Potter. She loves you, no matter.”

“She does.”

“You’re a lucky bloke,” Remus added.

“I am,” James said with a long sigh. “I’m an idiot.”

“Arrogant toe rag is what she used to call you before somehow falling for your charm,” Sirius nodded. “I think that’s the best way to describe you.”

“Twat,” James said as the door to James’ room opened.

They all looked over to see Effie and Monty in the doorway. Effie was wearing a beautiful pink and gold saree. Her long hair down in a beautiful plait. Monty looked very dapper in his suit. “Are we ready, boys?”

“Yes, let’s leave now before he panics again,” Peter said as Remus put an arm around James’ shoulders and steered him towards the door.

“Why is he panicking?” Effie questioned, drawing her brows together.

“Don’t worry, mum, it’s fine. He’s just worried about all the people looking on.”

She rolled her eyes then let Sirius lead her towards the back garden.

They made their way to the altar, just as the coordinator had instructed them the night before. Sirius kept glancing over at Remus. He was insanely handsome in his tux. He couldn’t stop smiling so his dimples were showing more than normal.

“What?” Remus leaned in before the girls began their trip down the pink and red peony lined aisle.

“Nothing, you look handsome.” Sirius said honestly and Remus bumped his shoulder into his.

“You too.”

***

“You can just tell him,” Hope Lupin declared over a piece of cake at the table where Sirius was sat chatting with Effie and her. They were watching James spin Lily around the floor, Peter doing some weird moves with Mary, and Marlene and Dorcas being goofs. Tonks had just twisted her ankle, so Bill and Fleur were taking care of the klutz and Andi and Ted were looking exasperated with their clumsy daughter. Remus was at a different table talking to Benjy and the Prewett twins.

“What?” Sirius looked at Hope. She had the same eyes as Remus. They were kind and they always gave the appearance that she knew more than you but not in a cocky way.

“That you love him, dear,” Effie shook her head then shared a look with Hope. “We try very hard not to be prying old women but we’ve known you both for a very long time.”

Sirius ran a hand through his hair. It had been up in a bun but after dancing it started to fall out so he had taken it down. He was glad he did because he could fully participate in his nervous habit now. “Between you two, James, and Marlene…” Sirius shook his head.

“You need to let yourself be happy, love,” Hope said. “I know Remus and I know that if he wants you, he’s waiting for you to make a choice. After all you’ve been through —”

“I’m not — no… I’m not in love with Remus. You all just have wedding fever. Mary and Peter are engaged. Lily and James are married. We all know that Marls and Dori are next to go. Once they do, it’s Remus and I left to our singledom.” Sirius attempted to explain it away.

“Sirius, I’ll suggest this one more time, you should go talk to someone.” Effie patted his hand. This was something she tried to get at multiple times in his life. This very moment was not one that he was expecting it in.

“I’m fine,” Sirius stood up. “I’m going to go see what Remus is up to — and Benjy, Fab, and Gid.” He amended quickly because clearly he wasn’t being obvious enough as it was.

On his way over to the other side of the tent, where Remus was with the other men, he was stopped by Molly. She wanted to tell him the petunias in her garden. Sirius smiled and nodded at her. He loved flowers, seeing as he ran a very successful floral shop, but he didn’t want to talk shop at the moment. Sirius didn’t do the flowers at the Potter’s wedding on purpose. He wanted to enjoy the night, and for the most part he was until the last few minutes.

“Pads, cigarette?” Remus asked, appearing over Molly’s shoulder.

“Yes! Yeah, yep,” He nodded. “Sorry, Mollz, we’ll talk more about those later.”

“Yes, dear. I do wish you two stopped smoking.”

“Of course, Molly,” Remus said before she let them leave the tent.

Sirius followed Remus through the garden, past the water fountain and towards the tall hedges. He knew that Remus was looking for the bench they always sat at. It was the perfect spot because you could look over the rest of the garden but still be secluded enough to get away from people. It was always their go to place for functions at the estate.

They sat quietly for some time, smoking their cigarettes that Moony had supplied. Sirius rarely smoked— only when drunk and sometimes when stressed. Remus was the same but when he was stressed, he tended to smoke weed.

“Can we talk about something, Sirius?”

Sirius didn’t like the sound of Remus’ voice at the moment. It was tight and it sounded as if he was hiding something behind it. “Anytime, Moons. What is it?”

“I — look, I like what we’ve been doing.”

 _Shite, he wants to stop sleeping with me._ “Me too, it’s been great.”

“It’s just, Sirius, I don’t know if I can keep doing it.”

Sirius flicked his cigarette to the ground, “That’s fine. Benjy’s back and you can finally fall in love with him properly again.” He kept his eyes on his feet. His dress shoes shined in the moonlight.

“That’s not … fuck, Sirius, I love you.”

The silence that stretched before them was full of many things. Things Sirius wasn’t sure he could handle. Things he didn’t want to explore. There was no possible way that the perfection that was Remus J. Lupin could love him any more than a friend. Sirius was a walking disaster that would ruin Remus. Remus didn’t deserve to be ruined. “You can’t.”

Remus laughed and shook his head, “Pads, I can. I do. Sirius, I haven’t dated anyone else in months. We are dating. I mean, we’re even living together.”

Sirius was dumbstruck. A normal human would think this was the best thing on the face of the planet. The love of your life was finally giving you what you wanted. It was the end of the world for Sirius, it seemed.

“I want to make it official. Sirius, I love you and I know you well enough—”

“No.” Sirius blurted because he was not going to ruin everything.

“No?”

“I — Remus, no. This isn’t what — no.”

“So, you don’t love me back? I’ve read the whole thing wrong and now I’m making an arse out of myself.” Remus stood up and ran a hand over his face. “Right, that’s — right, okay.”

“No, Moony, look—”

“I understand, Sirius, I was daft to think that someone like you would want someone like me.”

“Remus—”

“We should stop sleeping together because I don’t think I can move on if we keep doing that. It’s going to be hard enough that we’re under the same roof.”

This hurt far more than watching Benjy and Remus flirt for the last twenty-four hours. Maybe they weren’t flirting and Sirius was just a moron. That was a very big possibility with the development.

“Remus I— I’m sorry. Please don’t… I — fucking hell I can’t even talk.” He covered his face with his hands. “Fuck.”

“You don’t have to say anything, Sirius. I just need some time.”

Sirius felt as if he was rooted to his seat on the stone bench. He watched Remus walk away with hunched shoulders and hands in his pocket. He could have had everything he wanted but Sirius didn’t trust himself with not hurting Remus and burning everything to the ground. Sirius put his head in his hands again and took a deep breath.

Sometime later, “Sirius, what happened?” Lily’s voice startled him.

He looked up to see the bride in her lace wedding gown with a glass of wine and cigarette in hand. She promised James she’d quit smoking before the wedding, clearly that didn’t last. “Hiding from your husband?” He tried to put on his best happy face.

“What is going on?”

“I thought you quit smoking.”

“Moony looked like he was emotionally beaten.”

“He confessed that he loved me,” Sirius said then bit his lip.

Lily didn’t say a thing. She sat down next to him, handing Sirius her cigarette. “You rejected him.”

“I said no but he barely gave me a chance to explain,” Sirius took a long drag.

“Then he went on the defensive. Sirius, this is what you wanted, isn’t it?”

“It’s your wedding, you should be out there having fun.”

“James is entertaining the crowd with his terrible moves. His panic from earlier has completely cleared. I needed a moment. It’s been a long day. Then Moony walked by me and wouldn’t say a word.”

“If I didn’t hurt him now, I’d hurt him later and — and I would have destroyed more later. At least now, it’s fixable.”

Lily took a sip of her wine as she thought. “Sirius, why do you think you’d destroy it later?”

“Because that’s what happens.” He shrugged. “There’s no way that I could have a proper functioning relationship.”

“You have one, or had one, with Moony up until a few minutes ago.”

“That’s not the same.”

“You did everything the rest of us couple do. You just didn’t say that you were a couple. Now, he declares his love properly and you fall apart.”

Sirius shook his head.

“Go to therapy. For the love of all that is good, go to therapy. I’m not saying that you’ll be magically fixed, but god, Sirius, you need to talk to someone about your childhood. If you don’t, you’re never going to be able to let yourself fall in love with Remus or anyone else.”

To get the same advice in such a short period of time was not too alarming. Sirius knew he needed to deal with things in his past. He had put it off for years and years now. It was probably time.


	3. Chapter 3

“Are you as hungover as I am?” Marlene’s voice sounded as if she was on the verge of losing it. She had burst into Sirius’ room at some god awful hour in the morning to bother him about it, it seemed. Dorcas wasn’t awake yet and she apparently needed to talk to someone.

“Mmm, yeah,” Sirius had more of an emotional hangover than anything. Yes, after Remus had confessed his love and Sirius had batted that down, he went to the bar and had more than a few with his mates. Remus was nowhere to be found the rest of the night, so at least he didn’t have a look at Remus all night knowing that he crushed the man.

“Are you okay?” Marlene threw an arm around him and rested her head on his shoulder.

“If I tell you the truth, will you promise not to give me shite and tell me to go to therapy because I already know that I need to go to therapy? I also know I probably deserve the shite but I’m giving it to myself enough right now.”

“Promise, as long as you’re actually going to go see someone this time.”

“I’m going,” Sirius had drunkenly looked up therapist last night and bookmarked a few possibilities for his sober self to look at.

“Okay, go on then.”

“Remus and I have been shagging for over a year — just as friends. It wasn’t supposed to be anything more. Then, er, last night he told me he loved me and I turned him down.” Sirius said quickly because he was afraid that Marlene would stop him and say something that he didn’t want to hear. “Yes, I love him too but I’m terrified to date him because I don’t want to ruin this all.”

Marlene was silent and Sirius was afraid to look at her. He really did not need the judgment. “I’m trying very hard not to give you shite right now.”

“Understandable, you can’t tell anyone. I mean, Lily knows because she kind of found out last night. James is the only one who knows that we’re shagging and I’m sure Lily will spill the beans about what happened.”

She let out a sharp laugh, “Sorry, but we all knew you were fucking, mate.”

Sirius’ eyes went wide, “And no one said anything? How’d you know? Did Prongs tell you? I’m going to murder him. There’s going to be a fucking funeral in a few days.”

“Calm down, Pads. When we went on vacation last year to Greece, we fucking heard you and James told us about finding you but swore us to secrecy. We all agreed you needed to sort it all out yourselves. Oh god, I’m so glad you finally told me, I made enough insinuations about it.”

Sirius groaned and rested his cheek against her head. That was embarrassing. He thought that they had been quiet when they were hooking up.

“You’re loud.”

“Oh god,” Sirius closed his eyes. “Well, now we’re not shagging and I have to go live with Remus and pretend I don’t love him.”

“But you do and he loves you back. Sirius, why don’t you just talk to him about it. I know you want to go to therapy to help you sort things, but tell him what you’re feeling. He’s Moony, he’ll understand. In my opinion, I think he’s been waiting on you forever.”

“I don’t think he wants to listen to me right now. I don’t blame him,” Sirius said. “I could barely get my words out last night.”

“Shite,” Marlene sighed. “Don’t worry, I think Remus will wait. You’re soulmates after all.”

Sirius hoped he’d at least be able to repair the friendship quickly. He couldn’t let things stay broken that way for too long. The soulmates part was too terrifying to think about at the moment.

“So, is this a bad time to tell you that I’m going to ask Dorcas to marry me in two weeks?”

“I’m not surprised,” Sirius said with a shrug. “You’re all wedding mad at the moment.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be, glad you’re happy,” Sirius assured her because he was glad that one of his best friends was happy. He only wondered if he could ever open up enough to marry anyone.

***

“You look exhausted,” James said as the both pondered over the brunch buffet set up in the Potter’s dining room. Lily, her parents, the Potters, Marlene, Dorcas, Peter, Mary, Benjy, Remus, Hope, and Sirius were the only people left at the estate from the wedding.

“Marlene woke me up at some godawful hour this morning,” Sirius scooped some potatoes on to his plate. “I swear the woman does not sleep after a night of drinking.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t those shots of tequila that you were doing at the end of the night to make you feel this way?”

Sirius’ stomach turned at the thought of tequila. “I don’t think that it helped, no.”

“Do you know where Moony is?”

Sirius’ stomach took another dip for a very different reason as he shook his head.

“Didn’t end up—”

“No,” Sirius cut him off as he took his plate and went to his table.

The only way things could have been more disastrous this lovely morning was if Remus and Benjy were both late looking rumpled. Thankfully, Ben was already at the table with his breakfast before Sirius even arrived. He was chatting with Pete who waved Sirius over to sit across from them. Sirius wanted to go sit at the other end of the table with Hope and Effie to be surrounded by some motherly love, but he thought it would be rude and obvious if he didn’t sit near his friend. At least Remus wasn’t around to flirt with Benjy. Not that Remus would flirt with Benjy, he did just confess if love to Sirius. Maybe he wasn’t flirting with Benjy to begin with.

Sirius wasn’t listening to Benjy and Peter’s conversation, he was focusing on trying to eat and not vomit everywhere. About halfway through the meal, Remus came in. He apologized to everyone for oversleeping. Sirius hated how sad the other man looked. He was the one to do that to Remus. He did the last thing on earth that he wanted to do.

“Moony okay?” Benjy asked and Sirius felt that old flair of jealousy.

_How dare he call Remus Moony. He doesn’t get to use that nickname._

“Probably just hungover like the rest of us,” Peter suggested as Remus took a seat next to his mum. He only had a mug of coffee and a piece of toast. He also wasn’t making eye contact with Sirius. “Damn, James and Lily, that was some party. I don’t know how we’re going to top it next May.”

“We have to step up our planning, Peter.” Mary sounded torn between serious and joking. She always did like to be the best at things.

“Well, if Dori and Marls ever get hitched, it’s only going to be a party. Forget about the ceremony,” Lily joked.

“That’s not true!” Marlene said quickly. “Dorcas wants the whole shebang. We’re going to go very posh.”

Sirius was not looking forward to all the weddings that were coming his way. He felt like he was going to be alone forever.

“When Remus and Sirius—”

“God, when is this joke going to die?” Remus cut off Peter gruffly with an eye roll.

“Touchy, you’re so grumpy when you’re hungover, Remus.” Mary chuckled.

Sirius wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere.

***

As Sirius was packing up to go home, he was dreading the car ride with Remus. He wasn’t sure how they were going to go on with their normal lives now. It was all turned upside down because he couldn’t properly communicate. Sirius could only hope now that their friendship was going to be repaired sooner than later.

There was a knock on his door as he was packing away his toiletries. “Come in,” Sirius said turning towards the door. He was surprised when Remus came in. He was wearing Sirius’ favorite joggers on him (they were grey and left very little to the imagination) but he had on a large comfy jumper even though it was a warm June day. Clearly the man was looking for some type of comfort.

“Remus.”

“Ah, hey, I just wanted to er,” He closed the door behind him but hovered close to it. “I just wanted to let you know I’m going over my mum’s for the night. I have the day off tomorrow,” Remus cleared his throat. “I thought it’d be good if I was out of the flat.”

Sirius frowned, “Sure, I’m assuming you’re driving home with her then?”

Remus nodded.

“Okay, ah, if that’s what you need to do.” Sirius bit at his bottom lip.

“I’m sorry I made this all weird. We’ve been mates for nearly twenty bloody years and I had to go — had to go and fall in love with you because I apparently can’t keep my sex and my feelings separate.” He let out a strangled laugh.

Sirius wanted to tell Remus that he was feeling those very things since well before they shagged. “It’s okay, Remus.”

“It’s not because it just feels weird between us. Sirius, we’ve always been close in a different way than anyone of our friends. I fucked it up.”

“Remus, it’s my fault too,” Sirius offered but he knew Remus was going to play the martyr and take all the blame. The other man was good at that.

“Your fault that you don’t love me?” He shook his head.

“I — no, Moony that’s not it.”

“Look, I think we’re both tired and hungover and trying to figure this out.” Remus said his hand on the doorknob. “Taking a few days away from one another is going to be the best.”

Sirius didn’t like the sound of it but he wasn’t going to complain too much. He needed to let Remus take care of himself because right now Sirius couldn’t give him what he wanted. Remus was better at dealing with his emotions than Sirius, which did not say a lot because Sirius was complete and utter shite at it.

“We’re still going to be friends, right?”

“Of course we’re still going to be friends, Sirius. It’s just going to take some time.” Remus rubbed the back of his neck. “Bearing your soul to someone does change things.”

_Tell him. Fucking tell him, Sirius. Tell him you love him._

“I’ll be back tomorrow night, probably.”

Sirius just nodded.

_Coward._

***

Sirius had been by himself for the last nearly 48 hours. He was off work because Monty encouraged him to take a few days after the wedding and Alice was handling things just fine. He was going to go back tomorrow, which seemed like a task but getting out of bed was going to be a very good thing. Wallowing in his own self-pity was officially getting him nowhere. He needed to go back into the world and get on with his life.

The reason he had been alone for so long, was because Remus was staying with his mum. He had sent a simple text saying he’d be gone for another day and Sirius just told him to take the time he needed. Sirius understood why Remus was doing it. It was Sirius’ fault that Remus did not feel comfortable in the flat. If he could have just told Remus he loved him too then it would have been fine. Even if he explained that he couldn’t date him, it would have been better. But no, Sirius had to practically reject him outright because he was an idiot.

Okay, he was not just an idiot, he had reasons for being how he was. Years and years of unspoken trauma from his childhood made him closed off. James and Remus were the closest to see him for who he was, but even they didn’t know his full story. Even they never saw him completely vulnerable. Sirius needed to learn how to talk about his feelings. He needed some outside help because if he didn’t get it then he was going to end up bitter and alone.

With a groan, he reached for his mobile and pulled up the therapists that he had bookmarked the other night when he was drunk. They all seemed to be what he needed but he liked the look of Poppy Pomfrey. She looked like she would shoot straight with him. She reminded him a little of Hope for some reason. That was a good thing, maybe it would make him feel more comfortable.

So, Sirius called Poppy’s office and set up a consultation phone call and a tentative appointment. It actually felt good, like he was taking a step in the right direction. Sirius wasn’t sure if he could repair things enough inside of himself to let himself fall into a relationship with Remus, ever. Sirius just hoped that he could at least talk to Remus about his feelings at some point. Maybe even open up about his past. Honestly, he was hoping that Remus would speak to him again at some point without things being strained.

After his phone call to Poppy’s office, he sent a text to Remus.

SB: See you tomorrow?  
Take away?

RL: Dinner with Tonks and Bill.  
You can come.  
If you want

SB: Yeah, maybe I will.

Maybe it would be good to see Remus with some other people around.


	4. Chapter 4

“I thought people who took days off of work to rest were supposed to, oh I don’t know, rest. You look like utter shite.” Alice said as she pulled her dark blonde hair back into a ponytail.

“Wow, you know, I own this place, right?” Sirius said with no inflection in his voice.

“I know,” She snickered. “I also know that you would never fire me because you love me too much. Plus,” Alice paused with a big grin.

“Oh god, what?”

“You’d never fire a pregnant lady. I could sue you,” She rubbed her belly.

Sirius felt his eyes widen and jaw drop slightly. Why on earth was everyone being adults? How did all of his friends have their lives together when he was floundering. The only thing he had going for him was his job. Okay, no, and most of his friendships were good too (Remus did not count at the moment). Sirius was a bit worried about his friendships because of what happened with Remus, especially if things continued to be stilted between them.

“Congratulations,” He said trying very hard to make his smile shown in his eyes.

“You’re not happy. Look, I’m not going to quit or anything. You let Em bring her kid in when needed and you’re understanding about—”

“I need to stop putting my foot in it,” Sirius muttered and shook his head. “Alice, I am thrilled for you. I know you and Frank are ready to start a family. I can’t wait for the little thing to come along.”

“I thought you’d be over the moon because I know you love kids. What is going on, Sirius?” She opened the drawer.

“Don’t worry about,” Sirius shook his head as she went to the register to set it up for the day.

“I just worry about you. You know, Kingsley is single now if you’re feeling lonely and want a date.”

Sirius groaned and rolled his eyes. This was not the first time that Alice had told him about Kingsley. She had even introduced him to Kingsley before. He was a very handsome man but he was not who Sirius wanted. He wanted a certain slightly taller than him, caramel colored-hair, dimple having man. If Sirius couldn’t bring himself to confess his love to Remus, then he certainly wasn’t going to open up to a random bloke he had only met a couple of times.

“Come on, Sirius, when was the last time you went on a date?”

“You know that people don’t have to go on dates, right? My life is not empty because I haven’t been on a date in ages.” No, his life was empty because he made an arse out of himself a few nights ago when the love of his life confessed his feelings and Sirius shut it down.

Alice shook her head, “I’m not sure what’s happening with you but if you need to take, I’m around.”

Thankfully, Sirius had his consultation later in the day with Poppy. He’d have someone to talk to properly without having to worry too much about consequences in his personal life. He needed this outsider because some of his thoughts were far too heavy to put on his friends.

***

Sirius had only heard from Remus after he texted him about the time and place they were meeting Bill and Tonks at. He was thankful that Remus at least invited him out for dinner. Sirius was worried that he was going to back out at the last minute but thankfully when he got to the pub, Remus was already there. Bill and Tonks weren’t, so their buffer was missing. Sirius was tempted to duck back out and wait for his cousin and Bill.

He was proud of himself because he did not duck out. He had just briefly talked to Poppy and he was already making better choices! Sirius went over to the table and sat right down across from Remus. “‘lo, Moony.” Sirius tried to act as if nothing was wrong.

“Hi, Padfoot,” Remus said, running a hand through his curls.

“So, ah, how have you been?”

The other man scratched behind his ear, “Fine. Er, sorry I’ve been closed off. It — I just needed a few days.”

“No, I understand,” Sirius wanted to reach across the table and take his hand but he was sure that probably would not be the best idea. “I hope you’re coming back tonight.”

“Yeah, I am, ran out of clothes and everything at mum’s. Plus, she’s driving me mad.”

“Hope? No, she’s lovely. I’ll go live with her,” Sirius joked and finally Remus gave him a genuine look of playful exasperation. That seemed like a good sign. “She’d cook for me every night.”

“She would because you’re too skinny according to her.”

“She just loves me so much,” Sirius grinned. He knew Hope did love him. She would have been head over heels if Sirius and Remus started dating, which was mind blowing because her son was was out of Sirius’ league in many respects.

“I’m sure she’ll have the adoption papers signed by morning if you moved in with her.”

“Are we late?” Tonks’ voice startled Sirius a bit, he nearly forgot they were coming for a moment. Talking with Remus didn’t feel all that terrible for him. He wondered how Remus was feeling, though.

“We’ve only been here for a few minutes. Haven’t even ordered yet,” Remus said as Bill sat down next to Sirius.

“No Fleur tonight?”

“She’s got a night shift,” Nymphadora explained about their partner.

“She’s always cranky after those. Thankfully I’m off to Romania in the morning for research.” Bill’s archivist job always brought him interesting places.

“I’ll have a bath running and a full glass of wine awaiting her.”

Sirius always marveled at Fleur, Bill, and Tonks. He couldn’t manage love for one person, let alone two. It’s not that he judged their relationship or disagreed with it. He just thought it was amazing that people could be so open and loving. God, he marveled at James and Lily at times and Effie and Monty and every other functioning healthy relationship. Polyamory just gave him a little more to marvel at.

After ordering drinks and dinner Bill declared, “So, Charlie is dating someone and won’t tell me who.”

“Why?” Remus asked.

“No idea, says it none of our business,” Tonks explained.

“Well, I guess it is none of your business,” Sirius defended Charlie because he understood about people prying in relationships when they didn’t need to.

“He hasn’t dated since what’s his face broke his heart. I just want him to be happy.” Bill took a sip of his pint.

Sirius wanted Charlie to be happy too, but if another one of his friends got married he probably was going to just cease to exist.

***

The walk back from the pub to their flat was quiet. They were good at quiet contemplation before this whole mess. Sirius and Remus could sit and for hours at a time together either watching telly, listening to music, reading, or what have you. Now, there were too many thoughts Sirius did not want to think about. Sure, when they were in silence before, he used to imagine they were dating but it wasn’t something that sent him into anxiety. It was nice and calming. Now, their quiet was terrifying.

“I’m going to therapy,” Sirius practically blurted out because he wasn’t sure what else to say. He couldn’t take the silence much longer and every other topic felt too much for them. Not that therapy was a walk in the park. Really, he was hoping that Remus would somehow get that he was doing it so he could properly talk to him.

“Oh, that’s — that’s good, Pads. I’m glad you… I feel like I shouldn’t say you need it. But you do?”

Sirius nodded. He did need it. He had needed it for ages. The idea of therapy was still a bit terrifying. Talking to Poppy wasn’t bad on the phone but it was base level. He was going to have to dig deeper. The deeper parts were scary. Horrifying.

“Then that’s good.”

“There’s — there are things that I want to talk about but it’s hard.”

“I hope you do it there and get what you need.” Remus said as they came to their flat.

Why couldn’t he tell Remus that he needed him? Of course he needed so much more. He needed therapy more because it was hopefully going to help him be a more a functioning human adult. Then, maybe, maybe he’d be able to open himself up to Remus. Hopefully Poppy could help him fix his friendship with Remus.

“I hope I do too.” Sirius held the door opening for Remus.

***

 

Sirius fidgeted in the chair in the waiting room. Poppy had seen her last patient out before Sirius then told Sirius it would be a minute because she had a phone call. He felt like he was a ball of anxiety that was about to burst. All he wanted to do was go home because this was one of his worst fears — opening up to someone and showing them all the nasty bits of his past and of his personality that he kept carefully hidden.

“All right, Sirius, I’m so sorry about that.” Poppy came out. Her grey hair was done back in an elegant bun. She was wearing a plaid A-line skirt with a green jumper. Sirius felt like he was back in school and she was one of the professors.

“It’s okay.” He said, practically jumping from his seat.

“I understand waiting can cause some anxiety on top of the stress of your first appointment.” She led him into her office. It was a warm place with two large, comfy looking chairs.

Sirius wasn’t sure what to say about that as she offered him the seat facing the door.

“So, I’m just going to tell you a bit about myself now. You can tell me a little bit more about yourself too. Would you like tea or water?” She asked before sitting down.

“Ah, no thank you.”

“All right,” She sat down across from him and began to tell Sirius about her degree and background. She was a proud grandmother of three kids and had two lovely children that she had adopted with her partner.

Sirius liked how she made him feel at ease, so he found it easy to talk about himself a bit more as well. “I mean, I’m single now but — I — I don’t think I want to be anymore but I’m not sure how to, you know, be in a relationship. My best mate, Remus, he’s… I’ve loved him for ages and he told me a few days ago he loved me.”

“Oh, really, what did you tell him?” She asked, leaning forward. She didn’t take any notes, she recorded their conversation so she could pay attention to him.

“No,” Sirius shook his head. “I freaking said no like an idiot. I don’t even know what that was. I think maybe it was no, he couldn’t love me because he doesn’t know me.”

“Sirius, I’m sure he knows you. This is one of your friends that you’ve been close with since you were 11, correct?”

Sirius nodded, “But — so, like, he knows me but he doesn’t know everything. About my parents and that stuff. I, er, yeah. He doesn’t know all that. Only vague things. He’s so wonderful I don’t — he doesn’t deserve the mess.”

Poppy gave him a soft look, “What’s your goal for coming, Sirius? Is it to get Remus?”

“No — yes — I don’t know — No, I, I want to be okay and be able to be open to people who cares about me. I don’t want to be lonely the rest of myself because I’m incapable of being open.”

“Well, Sirius, we’ll do our best to get there. It’s going to be a lot of work, but it seems like you understand that. You’ve made a big step to sit in here today. We’re going to work hard to sort things, Sirius. I’ll do my best to give you the tools to get you there, okay?”

“Yeah, ah, okay.” Sirius took a deep breath.

They talked some more about what Sirius wanted to accomplish. When he left, he felt just a tad bit lighter. He wanted to tell Remus all about it but decided against it. Sirius felt like he should keep it to himself for now. Then, when things got a little easier, he’d be able to tell Remus more. Not only about what he was doing in the sessions, but about why he was going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Chapter 5 is going to be pretty rough but after that it's going to start getting better, I promise


	5. Chapter 5

About a month later, Sirius felt that his therapy sessions were going well. They had begun to dive into the abuse he had suffered in his childhood. It was A LOT. Some appointments he left feeling completely drained. He had never told anyone about when he was beaten to the point of probably needing to go to the hospital. Or when they tried to perform some weird thing on him to get rid of his homosexuality. He never talked about being locked in the basement for most of one summer after he was found snogging some other boy at a fancy party. He never told anyone about his parents screaming matches or watching them throw things at one another.

No, all Sirius said was his parents were shite. He never got into how or why they were shite. He may have alluded to them being abusive but never really said. Sirius told his friends how they were racist and homophobic and hated everyone unlike them. He never said anything specific. He hid the terrible letters that were sent to their boarding school. He didn’t get undressed the first few weeks of school when his bruises were fading. Remus was the only one to touch his scars but he didn’t ask Sirius about where they came from. The other boys, if they noticed them never asked either.

Sometimes, Remus would kiss the ones Sirius gave himself on his thighs so tenderly that Sirius was sure that Remus knew what those ones were from. Those were ones the others never saw because his swim trunks covered them. When they skinny dipped those few times, it was always too dark to see. But Remus saw them and Remus probably knew but he never asked. Sometimes Sirius wanted him to question them but he never did. He was probably just waiting for Sirius to open up to him.

Today though, Sirius wasn’t thinking about any of that. He had his session earlier in the week and now it was Friday. Sirius was ready to enjoy his weekend since his staff was running the wedding that they had on this weekend. He had plans to go out with Marlene, Dorcas, Caradoc, Fabian, and Gideon. Remus had been fairly M.I.A. from the flat lately, so he wasn’t surprised that the other man wasn’t coming.

“Oh, hey, Moony.” Sirius said when the other man came into the living room. He was looking very studious in his nice slacks and button up with a maroon cardigan over it. The perfect (hot) librarian.

“Sirius,” Remus cleared his throat and dropped his messenger bag on the table. He didn’t look happy.

“What’s going on?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, “Er, Sirius, I found a place.”

“What,” Sirius stood up from the sofa.

“Look, it’s been tough being here with you. I’m still — the feelings are still there and I think I need an even bigger step back.”

Sirius shook his head, “No, no — I really need to say something else instead of no.”

“Sirius, we’re old enough to live alone anyway. We’re both finically secure enough to do it. I mean, you have been since you inherited Al’s money at 17. But for me, more recently. I do appreciate that you covered so much of the rent and I could save money, so I can do this now. I think it’s for the best.” Remus rambled on a bit.

“I just thought you liked living with me.” Sirius ran a hand through his hair. He wasn’t sure how to beg Remus to stay without sounding like an arsehole.

“I did — do.” Remus looked at his hands. “Things just aren’t the same anymore, no matter how much we try to make them stay the same.”

Sirius wondered how he could save this moment, outside of telling Remus that he loved him. He knew saying it would cause some type of reaction but he didn’t think that it would work. Remus would probably tell Sirius he was just saying it to make him stay. He wouldn’t have been too far off the mark. He did want Remus to stay. He couldn’t stand the thought of him leaving. “You’re my best mate, Remus.”

“I know and it’s my fault this is the way it is. We need some time and distance. I need time and distance, I should say. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Sirius shook his head. “Please, you have nothing to be sorry about.”

“I, ah, I’ll be out the first of next month.” Remus explained.

“Two weeks.” Sirius felt as if his world was ending in a different sort of way than when Remus said he loved him. “That’s fast. But if that’s what you need.”

“Yeah that’s what I need.” Remus nodded. “Look, I’m going out, so I should get going. If you want to talk about this more later we can.”

Sirius knew that Remus knew they’d never talk about it because that’s just how it was. “Ah, right. Who are you going with?”

“Ben,” Remus said simply and Sirius felt like he wanted to scream. Not only was Remus leaving but he was going out with Benjy? He had no right to say anything, though.

***

When Sirius got to the bar, he found the twins, Caradoc, Marlene, and Dorcas in a large horseshoe-shaped booth. He needed to blow off some steam so he had downed a drink at the bar then got another one before joining them. He needed to have a good time without thinking about Remus or anything else slightly connected.

They were celebrating Marlene and Dorcas’ recent engagement unofficially. They were going to have an official get together in a few weeks but Caradoc wanted to go out for drinks with them so he used it as an excuse.

“To Marlene and Dorcas!” Sirius said, now four drinks in a very short span of time.

“Hey, Sirius Black,” A deep voice said next to him as he drank half of his fifth drink.

Sirius looked over to see the tall, handsome man standing there, “Kingsley Shacklebolt! Kings, come join,” Sirius scooted in.

“Hey, Shacklebolt,” Fab greeted him as Kingsley sat down.

“Sorry for intruding,” Kingsley’s arm went on the back of the bench behind Sirius.

“Not intruding at all. What are you doing here?” Sirius asked. When Alice suggested they see one another, it wasn’t like this. She probably meant a proper date between two people, not a drunken night on the town. But that’s what they were going to do, a drunken night. Sirius wouldn’t have done it any other way.

Kingsley sat with them for drinks then they went to the club down the street to dance. After, Sirius took him back to his flat because it was closer, and because he was a thoughtless arsehole. Really, thoughtless would most likely be an understatement because the man who loved him lived in the flat where he was taking Kingsley back to fuck.

It wasn’t until the next morning that Sirius realized he had fucked up. He was always so impulsive and he made even worse choices after a night of hard drinking.

When he walked Kingsley out the next morning, Sirius found Remus in the kitchen making his breakfast. He didn’t say anything to either of them, even after Kingsley said hello. Sirius could see the taut line of his shoulders and he just knew Remus was clenching his jaw even with his back to them.

“I’ll see you another time?” Kingsley asked as they got to the front door.

“Um, probably not, I’m sorry,” Sirius said quickly. It felt like his brain was going to explode.

Kingsley shrugged, “Thanks for the night at least,” He kissed Sirius on the cheek then was off.

Sirius hesitantly walked back towards the kitchen. For some reason, he didn’t even think of Remus being in the flat the night before. That was daft because he was still around for two more weeks. Maybe, subconsciously, he thought that Remus would be with Benjy.

“Remus, I—”

The other man turned around and his lovely face was all pinched as if he were trying very hard not to cry. Sirius wondered how many times he was going to break Remus’ heart. “You could have — you could have at least gone to his,” Was all Remus said, his voice cracking, before storming off to his room.

“Fuck,” Sirius put a hand over his face.

_Why am I the worst person on the face of the planet?_

***

“Do you self-harm anymore?” Poppy asked after Sirius explained how he used to cut himself. How it was the only way it felt like he could release his pain. How it made him feel like he had some sort to of control of the spiral.

“No, as weird as this is going to sound, it felt juvenile.” Sirius made a face. He didn’t know why he felt that way. It wasn’t as if anyone told him this or he heard others talk about it. It was just one of those things that he got in his head.

She nodded, “So, how do you release your pain now?”

Sirius frowned and furrowed his brow, “I don’t know. I mean, I come here now and talk to you about things. Before…”

“Do you talk to any of your friends?”

“No… I, I probably go out and drink and have too much fun and make terrible choices too often.” Sirius thought of his Friday night. He went and fucked that up. Remus still was not talking to him and that was about five days ago.

“How do you feel about maybe talking to one of your friends about how you’re feeling? I’m not saying especially about your past self-harm, but I’m talking about things that cause you pain. Your family, this problem you’re having with Remus.”

Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat, “It sounds horrifying.”

“Do you trust your friends?”

“With my life,” Sirius said quickly.

“I’d like you to give it a try. Start small, maybe we can pick something to talk about and someone to talk to and we can decide how to go about it?” She offered.

Sirius didn’t want to but he wanted to try at the same time because maybe it could lead him to fixing things with Remus.

***

A few days later, “How is married life?” Sirius asked James as they sat in the other man’s back garden.

“Great, love it, same as life before but we’re bonded together legally.”

“Brilliant.”

“How’s, er, therapy life?”

Sirius snickered, “Well, it’s going. She’s encouraging me to talk to people about things.”

“What… things? Your parents?”

“And Remus.”

“What don’t you talk about? You’re always talking.” James said.

“Yeah, but what do you know about my parents?” Sirius asked.

_Twenty bloody years and James knew nothing about what happened to me. He’s basically my brother. I call his mother, mum. Christ._

“No, actually… oh god, I’m a terrible friend.”

“No, I’m just terrible at communicating, Prongs. I closed myself off because what I have to say is sort of difficult to talk about.” Sirius felt his heart rate quicken and there was a lump in his throat.

James frowned, “Mate?”

“They were abusive, physically abusive,” Sirius said going to pull his hair back. “Like, I should have ended up in the hospital at times abusive.”

James went pale and he leaned closer to Sirius. This was another reason why he didn’t say anything, “Sirius, why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was hard, it was easier to not talk about it. Now, I realize, that it’s sort of ruined me for getting close to people. So, I’m trying it on with you first and I hope it’s okay.”

“I always thought that something happened and that they hurt you but you never said. I even tried to talk to you about it. I thought maybe Moony knew, you and him were already close, even before you…”

Sirius shook his head, “No one knew. I don’t even think Regulus knew the half of it.” He frowned, thinking of his baby brother. Sirius hadn’t spoken to Regulus in ages. He tried to contact him during uni but heard nothing back. Since then, he gave up. Sirius wanted to talk more about Reggie with Poppy because he wanted to do something about that eventually.

“God, Sirius,” James rubbed his forehead.

“So, I need to deal with this all.” Sirius said. “And part of it is talking to you and probably Marlene. I mean, if you don’t mind.”

“No Moony?”

Sirius shook his head, “Remus isn’t talking to me. I fucked up again by shagging someone in our flat the other night after he told me he was moving out.”

“Sirius!”

“I KNOW! I’m an impulsive fucking moron.”

“Do you… do you want Remus?”

Sirius shifted uncomfortably in his chair, “Yeah. I do.” He had already told Marlene that he loved Remus, but it seemed like an even bigger deal with James.

James let out a long sigh. “I’m glad you finally admitted it.”

“I messed it up, terribly. He told me he loved me and I said ‘no’ like an arsehole. Then I just did that the other night. He hates me now.”

“He doesn’t. He loves you but you hurt him. You have to fix it.”

Sirius frowned, “I’m not sure how I can fix it.”

“Talk to your therapist. I know she’s not solving problems for you but she could help.”

Sirius felt like he had to get through so much shite that he was never going to be able to fix things with Remus.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Lucca for giving me the idea of Sirius knitting. Though he’s not doing it miserably like you (still think you should be batting it like a cat but I digress)
> 
> Oh! And Amé (AKA THE BEST HUMAN ON EARTH WHO WE DO NOT DESERVE) posted a comic and it had perfect timing to pop up when I was having the conversation mentioned above: https://art-of-ame.tumblr.com/post/173360286113/i-had-a-stupid-thought-what-if-sirius-knew-how

A few months had passed and Sirius was living alone in his flat. He had not really talked to Remus, even though he tried to reach out a few times. Sirius completely understood where the other man was coming from in avoiding him. Sirius had rejected Remus then shagged another bloke in the flat with Remus across the hall because he was bitter about Remus going out with Benjy that night as well as moving out. They had only seen one another sparingly at friend things but didn’t speak. Remus was keeping his distance and spending most of his time with Benjy it seemed. Sirius deserved it.

Anyway, Sirius needed a hobby in his big lonely flat to occupy his time, that’s what Poppy suggested because he was bored out of his mind since Remus left. Randomly, he picked up knitting. He thought of Alice’s baby at first and was inspired to knit the thing little booties. He was also going to be making some for James and Lily because Lily was pregnant! Sirius was annoyed at another life event for his friends but he was trying very hard not to be. They already asked Sirius to be godfather, so he needed to overcome any ill feelings. He knew he would, especially when he met the baby.

It was November now. The summer had been long and Sirius spent most of his time eyeballs deep in flower arrangements. At least dealing with other people’s weddings, he could pretend to be happy. They weren’t his mates. He didn’t know them. It also was so busy that it gave him many excuses of avoiding his friends and while not attending friendly get togethers without anyone questioning him. Not that Poppy liked him avoiding these things. She was encouraging him to participate what he could but he was doing terrible at it.

It was a Friday night, and Sirius was knitting away at his little booties for Lily and James’ sprog. Even just months ago, he would have been out with his mates or his friends or taking himself to some club trying to forget his pain. Now, he was channeling things a bit better. No, he wasn’t healed after a handful of months with Poppy, but he was copping in better ways. Sirius still had a long, long road to go in his recovery, and that was okay. Sometimes it was frustrating to him. He just needed to keep pushing on.

As he was casting off on the second little purple bootie, there was a knock his door. Sirius let out a long groan and set aside his project. He was hoping to get it done tonight. No one had asked him to do anything, so he thought that he was home free.

When he opened his door, he found James, Peter, Mary, and Lily on the other side. They were crowded in the hallway grinning at him. “What?”

“We’re going out for your birthday, mate!” James said. “Put your contacts back in and get changed into something sexy.”

Sirius furrowed his brow, “Why?”

“Birthday, the day of your birth. The day we were blessed to have you on this planet,” James babbled as he took Sirius by the shoulders and pushed him inside.

“Padfoot, it’s been ages since you’ve had some fun. If this pregnant woman can do it, so can you!” Lily said.

Sirius didn’t want to argue with her, so he reluctantly got ready. He decided to keep his glasses on because he didn’t feel like putting contacts back in. “Are you knitting booties for us?” Lily asked as they left the flat.

“No, those are for Alice and Frank’s spawn,” He lied, he had finished those ages ago.

“I can’t believe you’re knitting,” Mary scoffed. “Not very punk of you.”

“Have you seen the needles?” Sirius questioned as they made their way out of his building.

A few minutes later they were at one of his favorite bars not too far from his flat. To his surprise, most of his friends were in the bar — including Remus and Benjy. It was not as if James and Marlene didn’t know what had happened between them. In the last few months, he had opened up to his two closest friends and told them more about his feelings for Remus and what happened when he was a kid. It was hard and he didn’t want to overload them with so much shite, though it did feel good to talk about.

Sirius let himself be swept up in his celebration. He did miss spending so much time with his friends, that were practically family. The Potters were family. It just was so hard without Remus there and with Remus there. Even though he was at the party, they didn’t interact much outside of Remus wishing him a happy birthday. Sirius decided not to let it be an issue for the night and had a decent time of it.

Eventually, he went outside for a cigarette (yeah, he was doing not so great at quitting completely, but he was working on this too). Remus was apparently having the same struggles because he was just outside the bar having a cigarette as well. He looked up at Sirius in surprise. Sirius hesitated for a moment then went right over to him. They needed to overcome this thing that he caused, somehow.

“Wotcher, Moony,” Sirius tried Remus’ nickname because it had been some time since he called him that.

“All right, Sirius, yourself?” Remus said, looking down to his shoes for a moment. Sirius did his best not to appreciate how good Remus looked tonight. He recently had a hair cut so his curls were just the right length on top of his head. His hazel-green eyes looked gorgeous in the street lights.

“Fine, fine.” Sirius nodded. “Um, how’s your flat?” He still had not been invited over there, which was understandable. It was closer to Remus’ work and closer to Benjy.

“It’s good, perfect size for just me.”

“Brilliant.”

“Have you got that dog yet?” Remus asked.

Sirius always wanted to get a dog but Remus was allergic. He never could force the other man to take medication so that he could have a puppy. “No.”

Remus was about to say something else when Sirius saw Charlie Weasley walking their way. He was hard to miss as were most of the tall ginger haired men of that brood. “It’s Charlie!” He said and Remus looked over his shoulder.

“With — Regulus?” Remus turned back to Sirius with a scrunched up look of confusion on his face.

Sirius peered around Remus because his body was blocking everything to the left of the Weasley. When he did, he found his younger brother holding hands with Charlie. He was actually an adult and not the fresh-faced teen he used to be like the last time he saw him.

“Regulus is Charlie’s secret boyfriend?” He said in disbelief as the two got closer. Reggie’s grey eyes widened and he dropped Charlie’s hand. The ginger looked lost for a moment until he saw Sirius and Remus.

“Shite,” Remus said under his breath before gathering himself. “Hi, all right, Charlie?” Remus asked as the Weasley and Regulus came to a stop in front of them.

“Um, fine. Just — yeah…” He looked at Sirius but Sirius was too busy frowning at Regulus.

“You can’t contact me but you can date someone in my circle?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“Me contact you? Why haven’t you contacted me?” Regulus scoffed.

Sirius bit his lip then looked to Remus who was watching him carefully. He knew that Remus understood the gravity of this situation. The last time Sirius had seen Regulus was at school when he was 18 and Regulus was 14. Regulus joined in with his cousin’s taunts about Sirius’ sexuality and other rude words. Remus knew that Sirius tried to reach out to his brother when they were 21 and Reggie was 17 but received nothing but a hang-up mid-sentence. Remus also knew that Sirius wanted nothing more than a proper relationship with his little brother.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said and it appeared that he surprised the other three men as much as he surprised himself. Clearly, Regulus had done something about their family, or he was living a lie because he was dating another man. He and Charlie had been together for months now, if Regulus was the same mystery man.

“What?” Regulus furrowed his brow.

“I’m sorry, I — I should have tried to reach out again.” Sirius said and he felt a hand on his back. Remus’ hand on his back to be most specific.

Regulus appeared to be in shock. Sirius was a bit in shock as well but it felt right. “Right, ah, maybe we should get lunch sometime and chat.”

“Yeah, that’d be good,” Sirius nodded as Remus’ hand rubbed a soft pattern on his back. He felt like he was dying a bit inside because he had missed the man’s gentle touches so much. It was so grounding though.

“Um, good.” Regulus nodded. “I’ll get your number from Charlie, then?”

“That sounds like a good plan,” Sirius agreed. “Also, please, Charlie, you can let the others know who you’re dating. You’re killing Bill, Tonks, and Fleur.”

“He’s right, I was over their flat the other day and they were interrogating me, like I’d know.” Remus said lightly. “It’s nice to see you, Regulus.”

“You too Lupin,” He looked between the two men. “Finally get together, then?”

Remus dropped his hand and took just a fraction of a step away from Sirius. Sirius’ felt something pull in his chest. “No, we’re not dating.”

They were barely even friends now, thanks to Sirius’ inability to talk to the other man.

“Oh, sorry,” Regulus looked to Charlie.

“So, we have to get going, reservations and all. Don’t tell Bill, I’ll do it.” Charlier pleaded.

“It’s all up to you,” Sirius said.

“I’ll call you later, Sirius.” Regulus nodded before they said their goodbyes and the couple continued down the street.

Finally, Sirius took out his cigarettes, slid one between his lips and lit it. Remus stood there next to him, his cigarette crushed beneath the toe of his shoe.

“Are you all right?” Remus asked him after another quiet minute.

Sirius nodded, “Think so. It’s something I’ve wanted. I’m just a little surprised how it happened.”

“Things tend to not go as planned with you.”

“That’s an understatement,” Sirius muttered and shook his head. “I’m sorry I’m a heartless and impulsive bastard, Remus.” He decided it was a night to make amends. He was sick of being away from Remus. He couldn’t take not being his friend much longer. “I know I hurt you that night when I brought back someone to the flat. I was only thinking about myself.”

Remus rubbed his face, “You always do the worst thing.”

“I know and I’m trying to fix it, I swear.”

“I assume that means you’re still going to therapy.”

“Yes.”

“That’s good,” Remus sighed. “You shouldn’t be avoiding things with our mates because of me.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You can be a better friend.”

“I know I can be,” Sirius agreed with him. “I can be a better mate to everyone, especially to you. I miss us, Moony.”

“I miss us too,” Remus said softly but looked down the street. “We can’t — this is ridiculous and we can’t keep each other at arm's length any longer.”

“I’m ready to try again at being friends if you are.” Sirius said in a hopeful voice.

“Me too.”

Sirius felt hopeful for the first time in months that things were going to get better between him and Remus. It wasn’t going to be easy, but nothing he had done lately to improve himself was easy. The months of working with Poppy were paying off, and he had to keep going and keep working on getting even further.

“Come on, finish the cigarette so we can get back inside. You have a birthday to celebrate.” Remus smiled at him and Sirius felt as if his insides went all squirmy. Being just mates with Remus was going to be so hard. They had spent over a year shagging and Sirius missed their intimacy so much more than he ever thought he would. He wasn’t ready to move on to be Remus’ boyfriend, though. He needed time before he got there. Sirius had to hope they could manage the rest of the journey.


	7. Chapter 7

“You’re going to stay, right?” James asked as they sat having coffee in their favorite spot near his shop.

“Why wouldn’t I stay for Christmas? That’s ridiculous, Prongs.” Sirius made a face before taking a sip of his coffee. There was no way that he would miss the holidays at the Potter’s. It was his favorite time of year.

James shrugged, “Don’t know, thought maybe with Remus and all…”

“Remus and I are doing just fine.” They really were. Going back to being just mates was a little difficult the first week or so but then it got easier. They had decades of friendship behind them that made things a fair bit easier. “I can spend a few days at the Potter Estate with him.”

He was somewhat worried about seeing Hope. He hadn’t seen her since the day after James and Lily’s wedding. Somehow Sirius had managed to avoid her since then by some miracle. He knew that Remus told Hope about his rejection, Remus told his mother everything. Sirius wondered if Hope was going to treat him any differently. He prayed that it would all be fine because he loved Hope. He would want her to be his mother (or more appropriately, mother-in-law).

“It’s just been some time since you spent the night in the same place.”

“The Potter estate is a bit larger than the flat,” Sirius rolled his eyes at his best mate. The Potter estate was huge and could fit probably all their mates and each of their immediate family members.

“I know, you twat. I just don’t want either of you to be uncomfortable.”

“It’s going to be fine, Jamie, don’t worry. I think we’ve moved past us being uncomfortable. We’ll have our usual Christmas cheer and all that.” Sirius assured him.

“Okay, if you’re sure.” James nodded before taking a sip of his cappuccino.

“I am,” Sirius laughed. “I appreciate you worrying about me, but I’ll be okay. Remus will be all right too.” He couldn’t say that few sure, but he had some faith. It seemed like Remus wasn’t having too much trouble being mates with him again.

It also appeared that Remus was practically dating Benjy. Everyone was saying they were not dating, but it seemed fairly obvious to Sirius. It was basically the opposite of what everyone had said about Remus and Sirius together. Benjy and Remus appeared to be just as close, if not more so. If they weren’t together, then Sirius was completely mad. “He has Benjy after all.”

“He does not have Benjy, they’re just mates. I swear, Sirius, they’re not together. Moony wouldn’t move on so fast anyhow. It hasn’t been that long, and I’m sure he loved you for longer than just the time you were shagging.” James shook his head.

Sirius wanted to believe that, but he knew that anything could happen. Hell, Remus had fallen for him in the first place for some reason.

“Remus loves you, still does in my opinion. I think he knows you need the time to work it all out.”

“James, let’s not talk about this. I honestly don’t believe that we’re going to anything more than mates. That’s fine with me, I need us to go back to how it was before we had started shagging.” That was a lie, he wanted more. He also wanted much more than just shagging. Sirius knew that he was never going to get that.

***

Christmas Eve was just so cozy at the Potter’s even if their estate was huge. Effie was able to make things feel small and homey. He loved all the decorations and the heavenly smells in the air. The house was filled with James, Sirius, Lily, Effie, Monty, Remus, and Hope as it always was since Lyall passed while they were in uni.

“Have you seen Regulus recently?” Effie asked him as he was waiting for a cup of tea that Hope was making for him. Hope was not being icy to Sirius at all, that was good. It did seem like she was overly kind to him, as if he were going to break or something. But he was not going to complain about it.

“Yeah, we had dinner the other night,” Sirius explained.

It had been nearly two months now since Regulus had popped back up into his life. Things were going much better with his brother than he had ever expected. Poppy had given him some tips at how to tackle their relationship and it was working thus far. They too had a long way to go, but he felt like they were steadier than he and Remus.

Regulus had spent most of his life in the closet. It wasn’t until his graduated uni, that he found the courage to get away from his family. He was worried about coming to see Sirius in that time because of how bad things had been in the past. Regulus did know about the pain that he had suffered at their parents’ hand and he had suffered some of his own. Of course, he wasn’t as bad as Sirius’ because Regulus did his best to keep his nose down where Sirius outright disobeyed his parents. But that didn’t mean Regulus didn’t suffer either. He just suffered in different ways than Sirius.

“That’s good, it makes me so happy that you’re working on your relationship with him. Plus, he’s free of your parents.” Effie shook her head.

“My parents? I beg your pardon, my mum is standing in front of me,” Sirius grinned at her. “Dad’s in the living room most likely trying to get James to name the sprog Fleamont.”

Effie shook her head, “Well, I’m glad that you’re our son.”

“It’s too bad you all never made it official,” Hope said, handing Sirius his cup of tea. “Though, Remus always did say you joked you were going to push to be adopted by me.”

Sirius snickered, “I did. I’ve always wanted two mums.”

Both women laughed, “Well, dear, you have two women who care for you and who are always going to be there.” Effie told him. “If only you’d get it together with Remus then Hope would be your actual mother-in-law.”

Sirius went stiff for a moment, worried what Hope was going to say. He couldn’t blame Effie for saying that. She most likely had no idea what had happened between him and Remus.

Hope just smiled and sighed, “Sirius, take your time.”

“I… what?” That wasn’t what he was expecting. He thought maybe there would be a long awkward silence until Effie changed the subject or Sirius said something daft.

“Just — don’t worry and take whatever time you need to figure things out,” She said then squeezed his shoulder. “I’m sure he’ll be there.”

Sirius looked at her in disbelief. So, Remus had told Hope and she still felt this way? It didn’t seem possible. He had to be reading the whole situation wrong.

The moment was broken quickly when James came in asking if they could do the secret Santa swap now.

***

Christmas Day was just as nice as Christmas Eve. There were a lot of baby things being talked about, as well as the engagements and such of their mates. It didn’t annoy Sirius as much as it did a few months ago, but he was feeling lonely.

After everyone went to sleep, he went into the library to read (yes, the Potter’s had a library because they were that rich). He loved curling up by the fire in there with a book when he couldn’t read.

Sirius was just settled into the small settee by the now roaring fire when the door opened. To his surprise, Remus was walking into the room. “Sorry, thought you went to bed.” Remus stopped short when he saw Sirius.

“It’s all right,” Sirius said, pulling his legs up so Remus could join him on the settee.

Remus looked at the shelves then sat down next to him with a book in hand. Sirius was more watching Remus than reading, so he noticed when Remus set his book aside and turned to look at Sirius. “Did you want to talk about something?” He asked, closing the book.

“No, it’s just nice to be with you alone,” Remus shrugged. “I’ve missed it.”

“Me too,” Sirius moved so he could rest his head on Remus' shoulder. He was craving some physical comfort. It had been far too long since he had a cuddle. In fact, it was before Remus had told him he loved him over six months ago.

Remus put an arm around Sirius, resting a hand on his stomach. “Maybe next year you can invite Regulus here?”

“That’d be nice.” Sirius nodded as Remus’ thumb moved up and down slowly. “It’s going really well with him.”

“I’m happy for you two. I know that you’ve wanted this for a long time.”

“I have, thanks for being there that night. I know we hadn’t spoken before that for a bit but I knew you had my back.”

“I always will, Padfoot,” Remus sighed, splaying his hand across Sirus’ stomach and his pinky and ring finger rested against the strip of skin where his shirt had ridden up.

“Thank you, Moony,” Sirius nuzzled his neck. When he did he swore he felt Remus’ lips gently press to the top of his head.

_Tell him. Tell him. Talk to him about something, anything. It doesn’t even have to be about how you love him. It could be about your past. You can do it. You did it with James and Marlene. You can do it with Moony. You love him._

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and squeezed him tight. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Remus just carded his fingers through Sirius’ hair.

“There’s a lot I want to tell you, Remus and I don’t know where to start.”

“Whatever you want, Sirius, I’m here.”

Sirius felt his heartbreaking in a brand new way. It was different from how he felt when Remus told him he loved him and also his crush on the other man. It was different from watching Benjy and Remus interact. It was definitely not the same as when Remus told Sirius he was moving out.

“I don’t know what to say,” He practically whispered.

“Then let’s just sit here.”

So, they did for a long while. Sirius sat and thought about how to word all the things he wanted to say to Remus. He needed to figure out the way to go about it all. Poppy had been giving him wonderful tools that made it so much easier to talk with Marlene and James, but talking to Remus was something else. Sirius knew the moment he started opening up to the other man, it meant that Sirius was ready to move forward. He wasn’t there yet.

Sirius worried that he would never be there. He didn’t want to push himself, though. He felt like if he did then he’d ruin it all again. Sirius hoped that Remus wouldn’t go anywhere. He hoped that Hope was right in saying that Remus would always be there. Sirius had to hope that he was reading the relationship between Benjy and Remus all wrong. There was a lot of things that Sirius had to hope for but there was plenty that he could control, and plenty that he had to deal with first.

“Sirius,” Remus said softly.

“Hmm?” Sirius did not want to lift his head, he just kept it where it was. He was too comfortable to move.

“Why did you knit everyone’s gift?” Remus questioned. “Not that I don’t love my jumper, can’t wait to wear it everywhere.”

Sirius felt himself blush. Remus’ jumper was the most difficult thing he had done so far. He couldn’t wait to see him wear it. “I had to pick up a hobby.”

“You’re very good at it.”

“Thanks, Moony,” Sirius grinned. “Happy Christmas.”

“Happy Christmas, Padfoot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I think I'm just purging everything this weekend so here is my purging this work. I tried rereading/editing this so many times. I hope it's not too terrible but I can't stand to see it in my toolbar anymore. It's not my best writing, but I hope you enjoy the last few chapters.


	8. Chapter 8

The New Year had brought even more reconstruction for Sirius. He worked hard with Poppy to continue his journey of healing. It was a long process, which was in a constant state of work. Sirius had strengthened his bond with Regulus because of it all, and they were once again in each other’s lives. James and Marlene had heard a lot of his deep, dark past and had not gone running for the hills, instead they grew closer. Sirius was feeling good.

It was now May, and Peter and Mary were getting married. Alice and Frank had Neville a few months ago, and Lily looked ready to pop. Marlene and Dorcas were getting married in the winter. Regulus and Charlie were happy and going strong. Tonks was expecting. Sirius was actually happy for them all. Just a month short of a year ago, Sirius would have been tearing himself apart because he was alone. Now, yes he was just the tiniest bit sad and wanted to be with someone, but he was genuinely happy for them all.

“This is a nice wedding,” Remus said, sitting next to him at the table with the rest of the wedding party.

“They didn’t beat ours,” James said a little too proudly.

“Stop, James,” Lily shook her head.

“What a git.” Sirius rolled his eyes before taking a sip of his wine.

“We’re going to beat yours,” Marlene declared to the group. “I just wanted you to know what.”

Sirius wished he had a significant other because he would join in and tell James he’d beat them all.

“Whenever Padfoot gets married, you know that he’s going to be over the top and smoke you all.” Remus said, as if reading his mind.

“Looking forward to your wedding,” Dorcas glared between them both.

Remus and Sirius’ relationship was getting better. Their friendship was regaining it’s pre-friends with benefits traction. Sirius felt like he was ready for so much more, though. Sirius was trying his best to figure out how to go about becoming more than they were. One of the things holding him back was the fact that he was sure Benjy and Remus were together. Everyone denied it but he was so sure. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to ask Remus either.

Tonight, he wanted to try his best to enjoy the wedding. It was a nice wedding, just as good as James and Lily’s, but he wasn’t going to get into that debate.

“I’m sure it’s going to rain or snow on your’s, who has their wedding in late November?” James scoffed.

“It’s a nice time of year. I like November,” Marlene said.

“It goes with her dark, black heart,” Remus said into Sirius’ ear softly then they both laughed as they shared a look.

“I liked it better when both of you weren’t sharing your private jokes,” Dorcas made a face. Sirius was fairly sure that she was joking.

Remus and Sirius did have their own way of communicating that was different from the others. But all the couples did as well. Sirius wondered if this meant they were meant to be together. He couldn’t hang all of his hopes on that.

***

As everyone started to fill the dance floor, Sirius hung back with pregnant Lily, who had her feet up. Sirius looked out at the dance floor, watching his friends being happy and dancing like fools. He was smiled as he watched them all but then his eyes landed on Benjy and Remus laughing on the dance floor.

“Sirius Black, I swear to god, you need to stop moping or I’m going to murder you.”

“I am not moping. If anything, Lilypad, I’m doing better than I have for a very long time.” Sirius said, sitting back in his chair.

“I know, you’re doing great and everyone can see it. But you’re moping right now because Benjy and Remus are dancing near each other. They’re not even really dancing together. They’re just near one another.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Sirius finished the last of his beer as the music changed to something slow. He stood up, not wanting to watch the dance floor. “Can I get you something? Water? Something fizzy?”

“No, I’m fine, thank you. You could ask Remus for a dance,” She shrugged.

“That’s not a drink request, Evans.” He glared at her a little before making his way to the bar, keeping his back to the dance floor.

As he stood waiting for his beer, he was surprised when Benjy came up next to him. “Oh, hey, Sirius,” Benjy said.

Truth be told, Sirius had barely spoken to Benjy in the year he had been back in their lives. He should have felt bad, but they never spent my quality time together in the past either. It wasn’t as if Ben was a bad bloke, Sirius was jealous of him. “Hi, Ben. Thought you were out there dancing with Moony.” Sirius hoped it didn’t sound too bitter.

Benjy let out a sharp laugh, “To this? No,” He shook his head. “I think my boyfriend would be upset if I were slow dancing with my ex.”

Sirius frowned, “Boyfriend.”

“Yes and that boyfriend is definitely not Moony,” Benjy said with a curious look in his eye. “You thought Remus and I were dating again?”

“No.”

“You did, mate, there’s no way that’s going to happen,” Benjy shook his head.

“Why?” Sirius couldn’t help himself asking. He had spent nearly a year convinced that Benjy and Remus were together or about to get together at any point.

“Christ, you really — mate, look, I know I shouldn’t meddle for numerous reasons but I’m not doing this anymore.”

“What?”

“You and Remus, you’re meant to be together. You should ask Remus about why we really broke up when I went off to school. It didn’t have to do with long distance.”

Sirius frowned, “You’re saying…”

Benjy smiled and shook his head, “Go talk to Remus.”

Sirius took his beer that the bartender had handed him and stood there feeling a bit daft for a moment. “Really?”

“Sirius, you’re smart, you know.”

He looked over his shoulder to see Remus talking to Hope, Effie, Fleamont, and Peter’s mum Joan. He was grinning about something, his dimples were on full display. Sirius wanted to go over and hug him then snog him… but first he needed to talk to him because if he understood the insinuations currently, Remus and Benjy broke up after Hogwarts because of Sirius.

Sirius set his beer on the table where Lily no longer was and went over to Remus. “I’m just saying that—”

“I need to talk to you,” Sirius interrupted Remus. Every parents eyes were on him. Remus too was confused.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Sirius shook his head. “I just… I need to talk to you.”

“Right, sure,” Remus said with a slightly raised eyebrow.

“Finally,” Hope’s voice was so quiet that if Sirius weren’t right behind her, he probably wouldn’t have heard it.

Steadfastly ignoring any looks they were getting, Sirius took Remus’ hand and led them out of the hall and into the cool night air of the venue. “You’re not dating Ben.”

Remus laughed and shook his head, “No, why?”

“And you broke up with him before uni because — because you were in love with me then.”

Remus frowned, “Did he tell you this?”

“No, but he dropped enough hints I could figure this out.”

“Look, Sirius, I don’t want to things to get weird between us again. There’s nothing to worry about I—”

“I love you too,” Sirius blurted.

“You…”

“Love you too,” He said, feeling as if another weight had lifted off of his chest. “I’ve been in love with you since I can remember. I don’t know when it even started at this point.”

Remus leaned back against the wall behind him and laughed, “Sorry, I’ve just been waiting for you to come to terms with this for ages.”

“I knew, I have been at terms but I never thought I deserved you.”

“Of course you deserve me, you git.”

“Remus, there are a lot of things that you don’t know about me. I — the reason I said no last year was because I felt like I didn’t deserve you since I hadn’t dealt with all the shite from my past. I’ve been working so hard in therapy and it hasn’t been easy. I have a lot to do too but I think I’m ready.” Sirius rambled. It had been sitting inside him for so long, it was really surprising that it took so long to bubble up to the top.

“Padfoot, are you sure you’re ready?” Remus reached out and wrapped his fingers around Sirius’ wrist and pulled him close to him.

“I am,” Sirius said when they were chest to chest. “I’m scared and I don’t want to ruin this again but, Remus, there’s no one I want more than you.”

“Okay,” Remus whispered, his lips brushing against Sirius’ temple. “If you think you’re ready, I’m here.”

“Good,” Sirius sighed. “Good, Poppy will be happy.”

“Your therapist,” Remus chuckled. “I think everyone in that wedding is going to be happy.”

“We probably shouldn’t flaunt it.”

“Oh, I thought you’d want to be dramatic about this,” Remus’ hands slid up Sirius’ sides slowly.

“I’m being nice, not taking away from their day,” Sirius nipped at Remus’ bottom lip.

“You’re very kind.”

“We’ll be dramatic at a later point,” Sirius captured Remus’ lips with his, drawing him into a slow kiss. “Come back to my room tonight?”

Remus nodded, “Of course.”

Sirius hummed them pressed his lips to Remus’ one more time.

“Let’s go back in. We can’t look too well snogged if we don’t want to be dramatic.”

“Very true.”

Sirius knew they had a lot to work out, but he was ready for the next steps now.

***

“You know I used to cut myself?” Sirius asked bluntly as Remus ran his fingertips down Sirius’ thigh at some early dawn hour. They had been awake on and off all night celebrating finally getting together instead of dancing around it for ages. He needed to know this now because he couldn’t talk about it anymore.

“One time I found blood on your sheets and a razor under your pillow when I was looking for one of my jumpers you were stealing back then. I didn’t know what to do. It was fifth year.” Remus explained in a tight voice. “I panicked and told Minnie that I thought you were hurting yourself.”

“That’s why I had to talk to the guidance counselor,” Sirius furrowed his brow, turning to look at Remus instead of laying with is back to his chest. He remembered being asked to go see the woman who the school counselor a few times. Sirius told her nothing because he didn’t understand why he was there.

“Then one time during uni when you were blackout drunk, you told me how your parents hurt you. How you went through hell every summer and on holidays. How they locked you in a basement once.”

“I did?” Sirius shook his head, he couldn’t remember this at all.

“Every single day, I wanted you to tell me about these things— sober. I tried to ask you without asking you so many times but you were so closed off.” Remus’ eyes were glistening with welling tears. One finally spilled over and ran down his cheek. “I care about you, so much, Sirius, and I just wanted you to be okay.”

“Oh, Moony,” Sirius wrapped his arms around him. “Don’t feel bad about it, please. It wasn’t until last year that I was ready to fix it. The last thing I want is for you to feel like crap about it. I’ve hurt you enough.”

“I know and also, I know why you hurt me. It didn’t make things easier but I know why it happened so… yeah, maybe it is a little easier to deal with. Not ideal but I understand.” Remus said as Sirius wiped his wet cheeks.

“I’m sorry, Moony. We’ll work through it. We got this far and less than a year ago I didn’t think you’d speak to me again.”

“I wasn’t sure I’d speak to you either at once point.”

“I’m so glad you did. I won’t say I don’t deserve you but it’s a miracle you forgave me. I’ve loved you and I could have had you all along,” Sirius said in disbelief.

“Pretty much,” Remus gave a watery laugh.

“I don’t think it would have ended well if we got together back then though.”

“No, I don’t think so either,” Remus spoke quietly. “It hurt waiting sometimes, but you needed it. If you and I started dating before this, I don’t think we would have made it.”

“But you think we’ll make it now?”

“I hope so. I think you’re putting the work in and I’m willing to do my own,” He sighed, sitting up. “Sirius, it’s been so long that we’ve loved one another. We can’t avoid it.”

“I don’t want to,” Sirius sat up with Remus. “I love you. I’m sorry it took so long.”

“Don’t worry, Sirius, what matters is now.”


	9. Chapter 9

**June**

Sirius and Remus decided to date a bit before they told any of their friends. They went out and did couple-like things with one another. Not only that, Sirius talked — a lot — and Remus listened and asked him questioned and comforted him when needed. It felt good and right to tell Remus about his past. It was hard to talk about abut Remus was a good listener. Sirius hated that it had taken so damn long to do it but, he was going to work hard not to lose what he finally had.

Yes, he still saw Poppy because he was not about to give that up. Sirius needed all the support he could get. He also needed as many tools he could get his hands on.

“Do we tell them tonight?” Sirius asked Remus as he drove them to Effie and Monty’s for dinner. Lily was about a month out from having the baby, so they were celebrating that for some reason. The Potters always wanted a reason to celebrate because they loved having everyone around. Sirius was happy about that. Plus, it made breaking any news easy.

“We should. We’ve kept it to ourselves long enough. It feels good,” Remus said, leaning over to give him a peck on the cheek. “Plus, if we do it now, we get it over with. I think Lily will appreciate the distraction.”

“She is miserable at the moment, thank god I’m not able to carry a child,” Sirius grimaced as he turned down the Potter’s drive. He didn’t understand how the human body could handle giving birth. It was amazing, fascinating, and kind of gross from the research he’d done.

Soon enough they were inside and enveloped in the typical love and warmth of the Potter’s. Effie, Monty, Lily, Hope, Peter, Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas were all there as they tended to be for things like this. Regulus and Charlie were as well because they were hanging around more since Sirius and Reg had started to make amends.

“Are we just going to tell them?” Remus leaned in and whispered in Sirius’ ear as they sat in the drawing room before dinner.

“We’re dating — finally.” Sirius announced loudly to the room. Remus rolled his eyes as he let out a groan. He decided they waited long enough and they didn’t need the whole ceremony of it.

“Thank all the freaking gods,” Marlene looked skyward.

“Thought so, ever since Peter and Mare’s wedding you’ve been back to how you were before whatever that was this past year.” James nodded.

“They were like this before and NOT dating? Bloody hell,” Regulus muttered.

“We’re very happy for you both,” Effie smiled widely.

“I told you he’d be there,” Hope patted Sirius on the shoulder.

*******  
**September**

Harry James Potter arrived with no fuss (don’t tell Lily Sirius thought that because she’d find a way to make sure he felt the pain of childbirth) and Sirius loved him so much he surprised himself. He had met Neville, Alice and Frank’s kid but didn’t feel the same connection to the kid. Then he held baby Harry and his world felt just a bit more complete. Sirius nearly cried looking down at the little bundle of human in his arms. Then he almost died when he watched Remus holding Harry.

Tonight, Sirius and Remus managed to encourage Lily and James to go on a date and leave Harry with them for the night. It was a very big step for parents who had been engulfed in their new baby for the last few months, but Remus assured them Sirius and he could handle it.

They did handle it. They actually crushed it, if you asked Sirius. There were very minimal baby tears. Sirius didn’t have a headache, and Remus hadn’t shouted once. After putting Harry down to sleep, Remus and Sirius collapsed into their bed, still fully clothed. “God, watching a baby is exhausting. He barely does anything, why am I so bloody tired.”

Remus let out a low laugh, as Sirius moved to cuddle him. He pressed his ear to Remus’ chest to feel and listen to the rumble of the laugh. “There’s a lot to worry about. Keeping tiny humans alive is a bit of work.”

“Mmm,” Sirius yawned. “Do you like keeping tiny humans alive?” He asked in curiosity.

“I do.”

“You’d want your baby one day?” Sirius bit his lip, looking up at Remus.

Remus furrowed his brow a little a nodded, “I would love a baby one day. Are we having this conversation?”

“I guess we are.” Sirius smiled. “I’d love a baby or four.”

“Even though they make you tired.”

“It’s a good tired and it’s worth it, I think.”

“I think so too.” Remus’ hands ran up and down his back. “So, we both want babies. Does that mean you’d like to get married one day?”

Sirius nodded, “Yeah.”

There was a long pause as Remus’ hand slid under his tee shirt. Sirius sometimes thought about how lucky he was to have a chance with Remus after so many time fucking up. Now they were talking about marriage and babies.

“To be clear, you’d want to do that stuff with me, right?” Sirius felt like he had to ask. He still wasn’t completely confident in his relationship abilities, and sometimes he worried about losing Remus by doing something daft.

“Yes, Padfoot, I want to do the whole marriage and baby thing with you. I’m not saying we should get married now but it’s something I want to do with you eventually.”

“Thank goodness,” Sirius chuckled.

“There’s no one else in the world I want to be with.”

“I don’t know why sometimes, but I’m not going to complain about it.”

“Want me to tell you every single reason why I love you?” Remus grinned, the hand that wasn’t resting on his lower back went into his hair.

“Maybe.”

“To start, you’re passionate and you care so deeply about the people in your life. You knit so much. All the bloody time — I have so many bloody jumpers now. You can be so sweet. The way you smile when you’re watching Harry. How you kiss me.”

Remus continued on and on and on with all the reasons that he loved Sirius. Sirius never felt more content in his life.

*******  
**November**

Marlene and Dorcas married, and it was a perfect fall day. James still said that he had the best wedding, but Sirius did enjoy the girls’ wedding a lot. Maybe it was because he was finally happy with Remus for a wedding. Sirius wasn’t longing for his best mate or arguing with him or dancing around their relationship. For this wedding, the only dancing he did was with Remus.

Marlene and Dorcas got married in the Cotswolds, so Remus and Sirius decided to take a long weekend and spend it away. Sirius was happy to do so, as he was happy to do anything with Remus, but a romantic weekend away sounded wonderful.

On Sunday, Sirius woke up to Remus’ lips wrapped around his cock. The hot wet heat of the other man’s mouth surrounded him and Sirius let himself be lost in the feeling. He moaned as Remus suck them hollowed out his cheeks. Sirus twined his fingers through Remus’ curls and encouraged him to keep bobbing his head up and down. Everything felt perfect as he was still a little lazy with sleep and filled with want and need for his boyfriend.

Sirius wanted to come just like that but Remus pulled off and kissed his way up Sirius’ body. His lips found Sirius’, pulling him into a passionate kiss. Remus rolled his hips against’ Sirius, letting their hard cocks brush together. Sirius closed his eyes as Remus’ lips moved down to his neck and the man’s long fingers wrapped around his cock.

“Fuck,” He gasped as Remus pressed the head of Sirius’ cock against his hole. It was slick and Sirius easily pushed into Remus. He tried not to come at the thought of Remus’ preparing himself next to Sirius as he slept — his fingers carefully teasing himself open, biting his lip as he tried not to wake Sirius up, wrapping his free hand around his own cock, and getting so worked up that he just had to wake Sirius up in the most wonderful way. Sirius closed his eyes tight and he gripped Remus’ hips.

“Just wanted you so bad,” Remus said as he began to raise his hips. “Always do.”

Sirius moaned in agreement because there weren’t many times he didn’t want Remus.

It didn’t take much longer for Sirius to come with a loud cry of Remus’ name. Remus rode out the orgasm, and soon after came across Sirius’ stomach and chest.

“Shite,” Remus said breathlessly.

“‘Morning,” Sirius mumbled as Remus raised his hips, letting Sirius slip out of him.

“Good morning,” Remus laughed and nuzzled Sirius’ cheek.

“Tired.”

“Go back to sleep,” He chuckled and kissed Sirius’ cheek. “I’ll cook you breakfast.”

“Mmm, okay,” Sirius felt his eyelids getting heavy again.

When he woke up again, he was surprised that his stomach wasn’t itchy. Of course Remus had cleaned him up, he thought has he got himself out of bed. He pulled on his boxers and one of Remus’ tee shirts before putting his glasses on. He headed out to the kitchen, following the smell of breakfast being cooked.

“Morning again, Moony,” Sirius said, going over to where Remus was at the sink and wrapping his arms around the other man from behind.

“Morning properly this time?”

“No, last time was very proper,” Sirius snorted before kissing behind Remus’ ear.

“There’s some fruit on the table, the pancakes will be done in a minute.”

“Thanks, Moonymine.”

“Welcome, Sirius.”

Sirius gave him one more kiss before going to the kitchen table. On one of the plates of the table, blueberries and strawberries were arranged to spell out, “Marry me?”. Sirius let out a sharp laugh. He hadn’t been expecting that this morning. Sure, they had had many vague conversations about the future, but Sirius didn’t think it was going to happen this very day.

“Moony,” He turned around to find Remus knelt on the ground with a ring in his hand. “Moony.”

“Sirius, I know there is no one else in this world I want to spend the rest of my life with. Will you marry me?”

Sirius nodded, his eyes watering as Remus slid the ring on to his finger.

*******  
**July**

Sirius rested his head against Remus’ shoulder as a song Remus had requested to be on their list played. Their wedding was smaller than all their mates’. They choose to do it in Wales where Remus’ mam was originally from, so they didn’t want a big thing. Even though James continued to gloat about how fabulous his wedding was, Sirius decided that his and Remus’ was the best because he had everything he wanted.

“You know, just over a year ago I didn’t think I’d be doing this with you. I mean, I fantasized but I never thought it was going to be possible.” Sirius said softly, turning his head so his cheek was against Remus' shoulder and his lips were closer to the other man’s ear.

“I know, me either, but we are. You did a lot to get here, Padfoot. I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m so lucky, Moony.” Sirius sighed and lifted his head to kiss the other man’s jaw.

“You really are,” Remus said with a laugh and he gave Sirius a tight squeeze. “I’m lucky too.”

Sirius was going to protest that he was the luckiest but he decided not to. He just stayed in Remus’ arms and danced the night away with his husband.

Sirius was so unbelievably happy that he almost couldn’t stand himself some days. It wasn’t always easy, but it was much easier to push onward than it used to be. It was not Remus who solved this his problems, though it was a sweet bonus, it was himself who got so far. Well, and Poppy too. If he hadn’t gone to therapy then he wasn’t sure if he would have been able to even speak to Remus properly again, let alone be comfortable talk to Moony and a few others about his past.

Thinking about his journey to where he was made his head spin. He wasn’t perfect, and he never was going to be — neither was his relationship with Remus. Sirius was trying hard to make sure that their life was good. They were strong together and Sirius knew that they were meant to be. It took so long to feel comfortable enough to get to this place, he refused to let himself go backward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just the promised fluff and nothing else really lol… I almost ended it last chapter but I promised fluff and you (and Sirius and Remus) deserve it after this story even if my brain isn’t in it right now. I hope you enjoy the fluffiness and all! I need to get back to Learning From Experience and my WSBB


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